Zombies sue police

Slow. Relentless. Known for eating people’s brains and leaving a trail of devastation and misery in their wake. Yes, zombies have always had a lot in common with the American legal system – and now, seven of the undead have filed a lawsuit against the Minneapolis police.

The plaintiffs were dancing at a party in July when the seven of them – six adults and one juvenile in heavy zombie makeup – were arrested by the police, and held for two days. They claim they were abused and treated badly during that time.

The reason given by the police for their arrest was that the living dead were ’simulating weapons of mass destruction.’ This might have been partly due to the police’s ongoing efforts in the War on Zombies, and partly due to the fact that the police couldn’t tell the difference between a radio in a backpack and a dirty bomb

‘The musical equipment had no resemblance to weapons of mass destruction, and its purpose and use could easily be ascertained,’ states the zombies lawsuit.

The lawsuit also claims that one policeman swore at the zombies, saying he was going to teach them a lesson that that he didn’t care about the constitutional rights of the revenants (or Undead Americans, to use the politically correct term).

Furthermore, it says that one of the zombies had their prosthetic leg removed for the duration of time they were in jail – the jailers clearly unaware that mere limb loss won’t stop a zombie coming after you. Remove the head or destroy the brain, people.

The city defended the arrests in August, saying that the presence of the dancing zombies made the police genuinely fear for public safety.

The zombie plaintiffs – Jamie Jones, Raphi Rechitsky, Jake Sternberg, Jessica Baribeau, Christian Utne and Kate Kibby, as well as minor Kyle Kibby – are seeking damages of over $50,000, although it is believed they might settle for braaaaaiiiiins.

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